"You haven't officially been our monarch until you've invaded France" -England, probably
"Mars looks like the sort of place they could've faked the moon landings..." - Milton Jones
My advice to walkers with severe diarrhea is to sit down regularly and take a load off of your feet.
I was buying some coconut shampoo the other day, then I remembered...I don't even have a coconut
To avoid painful surprises, you shouldnt ask someone to marry you unless you know them so well you already know the answer is no
I always give a hundred and ten per cent, alternatingly.
I have a question for all of the mind readers out there
Two chess players get in a relationship; They Mate
Local police have attended a report of a lady without underwear climbing a ladder and said they'll be following up on this.
Tesla joke
Optical Allusion
My wife and I don't want kids so if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
Shows the Silver Award... and that's it.
The exact centre of the universe is constantly changing ...unless I am asleep.
My local library just won the "Best library of the year" award, but they like to keep it quiet.
Jeff Bezos is stepping down from Amazon, to spend more time with his money.
I heard a drummer playing some Buddie Rich covers, and I said "that's Rich, coming from you!".
People say my skincare routine is dangerously flawed but I think I can iron out the wrinkles.
Can you help me make "Just Hand Stuff" funny...er?
Hawaii is so beautiful, particularly when you've been away for a while and see it with a fresh pair of i's.
A word for when fruit and vegetables go off? Perish the thought!
God was furious when his first attempt at making a human sank to the floor in a hideous pile of wobbly flesh, he made no bones about it.
Serial killer pro bowler strikes again
A man receives a message from a neighbour.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
RIP to the guy who invented Velcro.
